I had a pain in my head. The pain was there partly because of the confusion [unprocessed grief] that my brain was trying to organise.  I got to the point where giving up seemed a more logical option than to try and deal with the various unresolved issues.  I later found out that some of these issues were causing the physical effects of infirmities.  However, that was the ‘just before dawn’ scene, I heard about while growing up.  I came home from church that Sunday three times more burdened than when I went.  Hope was taking a leave because I thought that the last place left for me to try and get the help I needed was in the church.  Instead, I found myself running from the church as I found that what was taking place in the church was adding to my troubles instead of helping me.  I left the church and went home. 

That afternoon, I found myself in a corner, curled up like a lost child.  I cried helplessly, knowing I couldn’t share my troubles with anyone.  The events that brought me to this point, kept replaying in my mind and I couldn’t see a way out.  I was at the edge of insanity but at that point, just before I stepped into the enemy’s camp, Jesus stretched out His hand and snatched me from the darkness that overshadowed me and He delivered me.  That’s when my journey of healing began.  God brought back to my memory a prayer chorus we used to sing in church when I was a youth: ‘Why worry when you can pray’ and then I started to sing: ‘Why should I feel discouraged…’, a song by Mahalia Jackson  [His eye is on the sparrow].  The words of these songs ministered to my heart and I rose and began to write my thoughts down.  I listed all the unprocessed grief and I could see where the root of my problem was.  I have been dealing with these issues one by one. The process of grieving is painful, but I know it is necessary for complete healing to take place.  Listed below are snippets of some of my breakthroughs. 

a)         I give God thanks for healing where my parents are concerned.    I no longer crave the love of my dad.  We placed a newspaper advertisement which ran across the UK, USA, Canada and Jamaica which yielded results.  I found my dad and made contact with siblings and other relatives.  I haven’t yet met any of them and I do hope that I will be able to see my dad one day.  However, I am thankful that God healed me from resentment and anger [from parental neglect], which burned a hole in my heart.  His unconditional love has filled the gap, and I am now able to have healthy conversations with both my parents and regularly intercede on their behalf.    

Having received my healing for this part of my life, I can now look back and see how God has been guiding and protecting me.  I can see where He has always provided father figures along the way.  My youth leader has been there for me throughout my teenage years and is still there today, should I need his advice.  I am a blessed child to have a father-in-law who loves me, an internet dad who provides counselling and now I am in a fellowship where there are men of honour I can turn to for advice (spiritually or otherwise).  This disqualifies the myth that the media portrays of men in our society. 

b)         It took ten years for me to come to terms with my granddad’s death.  That in itself is another story.  However, I have now accepted the loss of my granddad and acknowledged the fact that God has been with me every step of the way.  My current fellowship has also played a great role in helping me to accept the loss of my granddad through sermons, exhortations etc.  Now I can talk about granddad without crying or thinking that he is just gone on a trip abroad.  

c)                  I have moved to acceptance and entered the final stage of healing where the death of my grandma is concerned.  I sat in a funeral-

Service in 2008, for one of our church members (the late Missionary Gloria Thomas) and as the church sang one of her favourite songs, I realised that God was completing my healing where my grandma was concerned, nine years after her death.  The tears were rolling but I had a smile in my heart. 

d)                  God delivered our marriage.  There was a time when, due to external influences, I felt that nothing I did would make a difference and so it was only a matter of time before the marriage would travel the route of divorce.  I knew that was not God’s desire for our marriage (see Matthew 19:6) so, I cried out to God for direction.  He opened my eyes to hidden factors contributing to our marital problems and He directed me.  I was obedient to His instructions and He delivered our marriage from the hands of the enemy. “The Lord is like a father to his children, tender and compassionate to those who fear Him” (Psalm 103:13).  The road to recovery included seven days of self-counselling [one day per week].  This included fasting and praying about each area of the marriage that needed attention—there were seven areas.

It took hard work to get our marriage back on track, but we worked in union with the Holy Spirit, to mend the broken pieces and take away the hurt and pain.  Every crack was sealed and our unity restored.  I proved that nothing is impossible for my God to do.  However, I would not have had that experience, had I not learned to trust Him [leaning and depending on Him for daily strength and guidance].  I give God thanks for sustaining our marriage.

God is continuing the repair work in me, as I give Him thanks for delivering my mind from confusion.  It really is not worth holding onto the hurt and pain of our past.  It pays to ‘let go and let God.’   That means totally submitting to His will for our lives, putting our trust in Him and allowing Him to complete the healing process.

My encouragement today is that if you want God to deliver you from whatever situation you are going through, you have to first submit to Him.  Follow His instructions and allow Him to do whatever it is He needs to do in your life, to bring you into His will.  Obedience is the key, for if you do not follow His instructions you will never break the cycle.  Therefore, you will never experience the joy that freedom in Christ brings.   I encourage you to find time to commune with God and allow Him to bring you into His will. When you do this, you can experience life in abundance (see St. John 10:10).   

There is life after the pain and hurt that often comes our way.   Take your hurt—all of your pain to Him.  He will hear your cry and come to your rescue.  The trials that we go through, in life, allows us to discover who we are in Christ and what we can be.  So reject the lying spirit operating in you that says you cannot get over this hurt—rebuke it in the name of Jesus and release the spirit of truth in your life.  Jesus came so that we might have life. Surrender today.  Allow God to breathe new life into you and start to live again.